||[Jun. 17th, 2005|11:37 pm]
out of all the crap I talk about this whole situation, theres one thing I've realized.|
Yeah, chris and I aren't together...and maybe we didn't have the greatest relationship from the start, but I've realized two things lately. One, I respect the fact that he's the father of my child and I know he only wants what's best for her..and I know one day when he can support her financially he will..and hopefully he will do everything in his power to make sure she has the best life possible..as will I. And two, I respect that he really does love her and is a good daddy when he's around. All the stupid little shit about our "ex" relationship problems shouldn't even come close to affecting our baby, and up until lately, I could see how it was. Hopefully I can change that. I just want to move on with my life..which I'm starting to do..and starting to see what it feels like to be happy and free and still love my daughter and be with her every second that I can. I wish nothing but the best for him in his future relationships and everything he goes through.
I'm still hurt by some things, but that's the past and as with all things in my past, I have to learn to let it go. The more I hold on to all of these things the more they will become burdens that I won't know how to deal with. So from now on, I'm going to try to say positive things about him when it comes to his daughter and hope that he's doing the same about me. There's no easy way to deal with a relationship when you have a baby together and you are no longer with that person. I guess the best thing I can say is know what you're getting yourself into before you welcome a little one into the world. While they can be the greatest treasure you have ever had in your life (and the most life-altering), they are a huge responsibility and should be raised by two loving parents who hopefully have a strong enough bond to where that child still feels appreciated and loved..not hurt by the pain mommy and daddy are going through. So I guess what I'm trying to do is hopefully pass on some knowledge with love and although you might have heard this before, it might just slip away from your mind like a lot of good advice does. Then when you find yourself in that situation you sit and wish you could have known what you know now. If you love someone enough to give them everything you have, as hard as it may seem sometimes, you have to try to think logically and be careful about your future...because you never know when there are going to be broken hearts down the road, and someone else's life could be affected by it. I swore to myself that I would do everything in my power to provide aralynn with the best life, financially and emotionally...and recently it's been a bigger struggle than I thought I could handle on my own. Even if I had to work three jobs to provide for her, I wanted to do it. You learn to put your own hopes and dreams on the shelf, and then you stop and realize that the little miracle that you have is so much greater than any material dream you could have ever wanted...or any self gratifying occupations you could have achieved if you worked hard enough for it. I've realized that even when I'm at my lowest and think that there is no way out of a situation, I've found my way through it and learned that I have so much strength that I didn't even think existed. I've been blessed with the most wonderful people who have helped me along the way...even if I'm not the greatest at showing my appreciation sometimes. So as much as I pin my anger and frustrations out on certain people and make them seem like they're the worst people in the world...it's all just venting. I respect every person in my life as changing it in some way, even if it seemed like they were negatively affecting it. I don't wish I could take back any decision or mistake that I've made, because if I wouldn't have made those choices, I wouldn't know what the right ones were to make...and I wouldn't have gained the strength to see myself through anything. Yeah, it's hard dealing with myself on a daily basis...and just when I thought I knew myself so well I start feeling all of these things I've never felt before, or the same old feelings but have to learn a new way to deal with them. Someone I admire very much told me recently some of the greatest words that I have heard in a long time, and that was to smile every day. I take those words with me when I'm feeling very depressed and it reminds me that there are so many more good reasons than bad just to be alive, and so many reasons to smile. So I hope that the people I care about read this, and realize just how special they've been to me through all of the hard times in my life...because there sure have been a lot of them. Even if I don't talk to you every day, week, month, etc. You're still always in my thoughts and you've become part of what gives me my strength every day. So I guess I just want to thank you guys, even if you haven't been an obvious part of my life...you're always there and always giving me reasons to smile, or reasons to push myself to the limits to become the woman I was meant to be. Thank you for everything :)
With all of that said, I think I'll leave this thing before it turns into even more of a high school health class lecture and a sappy self realization speech.
Hope everyone's doing alright, and I'm GOING TO BED!!! :P